Lately, there’s been a lot of chatter about swag gaps. The swag gap refers to a couple’s stylistic discrepancy, when one partner clearly has better clothes or a more polished sense of personal style. It’s glossy-haired Kylie Jenner next to Timothée Chalamet in blazing orange. It’s clean-girl avatar Hailey Bieber in a red dress, with Justin Bieber in tow looking like… that.
Online, users warn that a partner’s lack of swag can rub off on you and complain about how odd it looks when couples lack any aesthetic cohesion. Yes, there are real downsides to constant proximity to someone with weak stylistic sensibilities. Humiliation, for one, if they show up under- or overdressed to something that matters to you. Showing up appropriately is, after all, a form of respect. I’m all for nudging your significant other to explore their style or helping them find better-fitting clothes, but personal style is (surprise!) personal and not something I’d encourage ranting about to strangers on the internet.
What You Should Wear This Holiday, According to Cool Women
Eight very knowledgeable women on what they want to see men wear this holidayThe swag gap discourse amuses me because it exists almost entirely online and exclusively to dissect highly photographed individuals. The idea that your normal human being of a partner’s eccentric color schemes or devotion to bank-branded Patagonia vests materially affects your life is a wild overstatement of your importance. Unless, of course, he’s Justin Bieber.
What I’m not hearing enough of is the more consequential, real-life swag gap that goes beyond fashion — namely, when one half of a couple is noticeably funnier, more interesting or more charismatic.
This is especially brutal to experience as a friend. I’ve watched the smartest, hottest, kindest, most talented women of our generation fall for the guy who didn’t utter a word at happy hour. Or the guy who only talks about himself. Or the guy with no hobbies or interests. Swag is more than clothes, it’s also presence — when one partner can carry a conversation, ask thoughtful questions, tell great stories and make people laugh.
Rather than just dressing well, the most attractive couples I know share a similar spirit and creative momentum. I have one friend who moonlights for a trendy supper club and creates Cantonese-inspired dishes, and her partner recently wrote and directed a short film on lucid dreaming. Another friend has the most up-to-date and nuanced opinions on the independent film festival circuit, and she’s dating a streetwear designer with exports in Seoul and Tokyo. Theirs is a kind of swag that can’t be styled.
For one partner to show up more obviously socially fluent and curious about the world while the other coasts on proximity is, to me, a far more alarming swag gap. There is no real mismatch if you truly understand your better half: how they move through the world and pair their slacks and knitwear as a result of it. Worrying about their familiarity with Take Ivy and Grace Wales Bonner for Hermes is entirely superfluous.
So let me ask you this: Have you checked your own swag? What do you bring to the table? Give it some thought, and only then can we talk about clothes. (I know a guy who can help you out in that department.) Matching your better half’s wardrobe is easy. Matching their freak? That’s the real challenge.
More Like This
This article appeared in an InsideHook newsletter. Sign up for free to get more on travel, wellness, style, drinking, and culture.