There are no shortage of real-life things that legitimately scare the bejeezus out of us: politics, nature, the relentless persistence of the man bun.
But among our greatest fears this month is having to battle some young lady in a sexy Trump costume for elbow room at the bar on Halloween.
Best to make plans now.
To assist, we’ve rounded up the seven essential affairs a grown-ass man should check out this October.
Did we mention there are going to be Playmates at at least one of these parties?
Coney Island Freak Show at Westlight
In all honesty, the Freak Show fully freaks me out every time I see it. Strange. Uncomfortable. I love it. And now, it’s coming to sought-after BK haunt Westlight in the William Vale. Amid the sweeping views, expect contortionists, fire eaters, snake charmers and DJ-spun dance music complete with full menu and signature cocktails. Costumes encouraged. Reservations highly recommended.
Early-bird party crew DayBreaker is taking advantage of the crisp AM air with their extra special Halloween-themed boat soirée. Aboard the Hornblower Infinity, the masked bash is certain to put everyone in the spirit — and at work on time, no less. Disguises strongly encouraged. (10/28)
From Casper and The Standard Hotel comes a film series built on Halloween horror. Guests will enjoy the best of the scary(ish) classics like Evil Dead, Goonies, Psycho, The Shining and more in “bed” on a reserved mattress. Cocktails on site. Tickets go on sale today, but don’t sleep on it, the series sells out quickly every time. (10/28 - 10/31)
Colonial Williamsburg, Virginia
Want to stay in a haunted house? We all kinda do. If you have what it takes, this is the spot. Colonial Williamsburg’s historic houses are authentically period-correct and historically terrifying, complete with moving chairs, curious cold spots and spine-chilling sounds in the night. Family-friendly activities like the “Curse of the Sea Witch” and a hunt for Captain Blackbeard’s stolen severed head take place in the early evening, with creepier action for the older — and bolder — after sunset. (10/28 - 10/31)
This is one of those events where you say “C’mon, I’m not going to get scared” … and then it scares the ever-living sh*t out of you. They know what they’re doing here, and have become very adept at targeting some of your most poignant fears. This year’s edition includes the debut of triple-threat attractions the House of Shadows, Purgatory Haunted Village and the Theater Macabre. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. (through 10/31)
The Playmate Lounge
The searingly sensual evening is back for its sixth year. For one night only, Joonbug's Annual takeover of the Haunted Mansion will be brimming will beautiful bunnies, all presided over by Playmate Courtney Rachel. It’s 45,000 square feet, full-service and will rock late into the night. (10/28)
Fortress of Nightmares
Who wouldn’t want to take a nice lantern-lit stroll through historic Newport, with all its wonderful haunted legends about? Here’s your chance. Head to Fort Adams, a renowned paranormal hot spot bound to test even the bravest of souls. You’ll be traversing underground tunnels or terror, engaging with the local zombies and indulging in a little light mayhem. After a night of fright, soothe the spirits with a stay at the Castle Hill Inn. Established in 1875, I’m sure there’s nothing lurking about the grounds. (10/21 - 10/23, 10/28 - 10/31)
MoMA’s Halloween Ball
Legendary night creature Susanne Bartsch is ushering in the fine art establishment’s fifth annual Halloween extravaganza. Themed “The White House of Horror,” the evening includes a gaggle of live performances, DJs and comes with a secret after-party that will take you well into the vampire unfriendly dawn. You’d be silly not to wear a costume. (10/28)