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I’ll never forget what my mom said to me after getting engaged in Italy. I was on the phone with her and my dad, relaying to them the type of wedding my fiancé and I wanted: no ceremony, no kids and no guarantee you’re getting an invite just because you’re a blood relative.
Expecting some pushback about that last bit, my mom simply said, “We totally get it. We know you two have alternative taste.”
It’s something my husband and I still lovingly laugh about and reference when straying from the norm. But it’s not as if we’re completely unique in what we like: We simply chose to listen to those preferences when planning our wedding instead of falling to the cultural norms. I have atheist friends who married in churches to please their parents. Another friend who never wears anything but black wore white on her wedding day. For them, breaking with the status quo was a deal-breaker. For us, it was the rule.
No matter where you fall on that spectrum, there’s one eccentricity we adopted that I hope you consider for your own nuptials: skipping the traditional ceremony and going straight to the cocktail party. For us, that meant really great cocktails, plenty of tasty food but no sit-down dinner, killer music with a raucous dance floor, a couple cultural traditions we love like Greek dancing and the hora, and a space that wouldn’t need flowers or additional decor. Here’s why we did it, and how to determine if it’s the right path for you.
Skip the Wedding Tax
Have you heard of the “wedding tax”? A study published in the Journal of Consumer Policy found that when something is labeled a “wedding” product, prices averaged 53.7% higher than the same item sold in a non-nuptial capacity. Sure, weddings can be monumental affairs, where the time and effort involved seem to justify the cost. But have you seen the final bills these days? The average American wedding now costs around $36,000.
Look, I love spending money, but I hate being ripped off. And to me and my now-husband, spending this amount of money for a one-night blowout was exactly that: a rip-off. We knew we could throw an incredible party for our closest family and friends for a fraction of the price.
Courthouse or Bust
Don’t get me wrong, I love attending traditional weddings. It’s lovely to see a couple exchanging their vows in front of their family and friends, with bridesmaids and groomsmen flanking them on either side. But for me, it was unnecessary.
We wanted to get legally married in New York but knew we didn’t want a big wedding, so we decided to go the courthouse route. Because here’s the thing: At the end of the day, marriage is a legal contract. Love and companionship aside, you are literally legally binding yourself to another person. I know that doesn’t sound very romantic, but that’s because there’s nothing romantic about it. You obtain the license, you sign the paperwork, you are linked in the eyes of the law.
Even though I’m married to my romantic partner, marriage itself wasn’t a romantic thing for us. The question was never, “Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?” because we’d spend our lives together whether we were married or not. The question was always, “Will it be mutually beneficial to legally bind ourselves together?”
The unexpected bonus of a courthouse wedding is that it’s surprisingly intimate. During mine, it was just us, our witness (a photographer friend capturing the affair) and the marriage officiant. There were no distractions, no one to look at but each other. It was a very special moment in a very sterile Marriage Bureau room — white walls, no artwork, the officiant behind plexiglass and a purple couch with a hole in the seat that was mended by a different color purple tape — that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
Consider the Guest List
Being Greek and Italian, I have about 75 cousins (maybe more if you count all the babies born in recent years). If I would have invited just my mom’s side of my family, it would have been more people than our entire final guest list. So I broke family tradition in a big way: I only invited people I’m super close with. My family is wonderful and I love all of them, but I wanted to actually talk with everyone at my wedding. And guess what? After my wedding, other cousins followed suit. Not everyone is always invited to everything anymore, and that’s okay!
If you do plan on inviting your entire extended family, your mom’s coworkers and your sister’s three best friends, consider having a legitimate ceremony. The more people who are invited, the greater chance of them being confused at what the hell is going on if they’re invited to a party sans knot tying (I’ve seen this happen, and the older folks were less than pleased).
If you want to keep things intimate (say 75 people or less), a cocktail party might be perfect for you.
Do It Yourself, or Don’t
I’m not a DIY person at all. The thought of crafting anything or painting a wall in my house makes my skin crawl. My husband is the opposite: He relishes in anything he can do or design himself. But one thing we have in common is we love to entertain, so we know the elements that make up a good party.
Because we threw a cocktail party with passed hors d’oeuvres (local ceviche, chicken empanadas, veggie spring rolls and tomato bruschetta) and stationary snacking platters (cheese, charcuterie and crudite), there was no choosing tablecloths or worrying about the temperature of the food. Hell, we didn’t even order flowers because the bar in question (shoutout to The Wilder) was beautiful enough without them with its black and white chevron floor, jewel-tone velvet seating, grand wooden backbar and tiled outdoor patio filled with plants and flowers.
We went for the biggest and best bar package because that mattered most to us, and the guests raved about it. We chose two signature cocktails that,The Wilder already had on their menu and renamed them for our celebration. “The Snowbird” was a tropical number with dark rum, pineapple rum, banana liqueur and orgeat, while “That’s a Spicy Spaghetti” (named after our dog) was made with grilled pineapple and poblano-infused tequila, Ancho Reyes Chili Liqueur, chipotle agave and smoked salt on the rim. Mand my husband designed custom menus and matchbooks that coordinated with our DIY paper invitations of an alligator wearing a tuxedo and holding a Martini.
This is the best part about throwing a wedding party at a pretty bar: You don’t need to decorate or do anything. Also, no one cares. They want to eat, drink and dance.
Forgoing the wedding and skipping straight to the party isn’t for everyone, but if you’re sincerely considering this option, I’m speaking from experience when I tell you: it’s going to be great. Everyone who attended mine said it was one of the best parties they’ve ever been to. That made it worth every single discounted penny.
Tips and Things to Consider
Play with the schedule: My wedding party was especially cheap because we did it on a Thursday in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. If your guest list is composed of people who don’t have to be in the office five days a week, this is a win.
Yes, it can still be fancy: If you want to have a black-tie cocktail party with no ceremony, do you! This is your day. Forgoing the pomp and circumstance doesn’t mean it has to be casual. I wore a silk, hand-beaded backless pink gown with leopard sequins. My husband donned a custom-made, double-breasted cream Italian linen suit. We told people to dress fancy and show out, and they came to work.
Feed and water the people: My biggest stressor was obsessing over whether passed hors d’oeuvres and cheese and charcuterie platters would be enough food. If you’re going to stress about anything, let it be this. If people are hungry or can’t get a decent drink at the bar, they won’t be happy. Bountiful food and flowing booze equals almost instant success. And just like that, the flowers really don’t seem so important.
Don’t sleep on grocery store cake: The average wedding cake in the United States costs $900, which is insane. We ordered a delicious sheet cake from Publix (IYKYK) with teal icing and tropical flowers. It cost $75.
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