Church Key

If you’ve ever read the Book of Job or watched License to Drive, you know the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

But tonight, he just giveth: introducing Church (SFW, don’t worry), the roving “lap dance party” taking place this evening and currently accepting applicants.

For those in the cheap seats, we repeat: this is a secret underground lap dance party.

Held at various undisclosed upscale lounges around the city, Church is invite-only and you must apply online.

If you’re lucky, you’ll receive a text from Eve, the Church concierge. This text serves as your ticket to the event. (Ed. note: Please tell me they call the ticket an “apple”.)

Inside, Eve will make introductions to a cabal of lithe young beauties before getting you situated. Then the entertainment begins.

There will be magicians performing David Blaine-ian card tricks tableside. Burlesque dancers from Paris. Fire breathers.

And of course, lap dances.

As well as mixologists cranking out tasty libations.

There’s also a draconian ban on picture taking.

And not that you should need it at this point, but Church makes a pretty strong case for applying via an excellently come-hither video.

See you there.