Weekend Warrior

Your definitive guide to the next 48 hours and change

By Kirk Miller

Here, Guy. Have a Fantastic Weekend.
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15 July 2016

Welcome to Weekend Warrior, your comprehensive weekend agenda. Because you’ve had a rough week and the last thing you want to do is think. That’s what Monday is for.

Follow our lead. We’ve got you covered.

FRIDAY

5:00 P.M.
Punch out. Download the FOUND podcast for your commute. Every episode starts with a note that has been misplaced or wrongly addressed. Host Davy Rothbart’s objective: find the person who wrote the note.

5:30 P.M.
Stop at the store. Get everything you need to make the best breakfast sandwich ever.

5:45 P.M.
Pull into driveway. Notice trespassers on lawn. Scratch that; it’s just the neighborhood kids playing Pokémon Go. Chase kids off lawn.

5:50 P.M.
Order Nest’s new outdoor security system so you can address future Pokémon trespassings from your smartphone.

6:00 P.M.
Have a beer. You deserve it! Just don’t have one of these ridiculously calorie-laden beers that will soon be forced to print nutritional info on their labels thanks to a decree from the Beer Institute.

8:00 P.M.
Watch that new Tony Robbins doc on Netflix. Fall asleep before it’s over. Read this article telling you about the 10 incredible life hacks you would’ve learned from it.

SATURDAY

6:00 A.M.
Wake up early. Get some exercise, because exercise is a dish best served early.

7:30 A.M.
Make that breakfast sandwich.

8:00 A.M.
Begrudgingly download Pokémon Go.

8:08 A.M.
Uninstall Pokémon Go. Download this game (“Cards Against Humanity meets GIFs”) instead. Text group. Tell them to download it. Send crude GIFs to friends for rest of weekend.

10:00 A.M.
Put down your device, because the internet is slowly killing you.

12:00 P.M.
Get a haircut. Losing your hair? Suck it up and go full MJ. It’s way less intimidating than you think.

3:00 P.M.
Try to nap. Get woken up by scream of primal joy after your child/someone else’s child catches especially rare Pokémon in your yard.

5:00 P.M.
Go to garage to measure for the not-so-legal home-distilling project you plan on starting next weekend.

7:00 P.M.
Listen to music (we like “Fuck With Myself,” the new single by angsty R&B starlet Banks). Cook. Flirt with whoever you’re listening to music and cooking with.

11:45 P.M. to ? A.M.
Sex.

SUNDAY

7:00 A.M.
Exercise. Sandwich.

9:00 A.M.
Watch the speech Lebron and co. delivered at the ESPYs about the importance of building stronger communities. Read about how rapper The Game and his son are doing exactly that. Identify a local organization or project you can get involved with to do the same.

10:00 A.M.
Follow Glaswegian artist Nick Smith’s, uh, cheeky Instagram. No, those aren’t butts. But they look like it.

11:00 A.M.
Head to the club for 18 holes. Chase kids playing Pokémon off no fewer than three fairways. When they manage to outrun you, wish you had a faster golf cart, like the one Mercedes now makes.

3:00 P.M.
Take kids — or a date, or yourself — for ice cream, because it’s National Ice Cream Day.

5:00 P.M.
Buy new sneakers.

10:30 P.M.
Watch Vice Principals, HBO’s dark new comedy loosely based on star Danny McBride’s own experience returning to his hometown to teach.

11:00 P.M.
Come across news article about Ashley Madison’s rebranding project. Investigate further. Remember that this is the same site that felled a thousand marriages. Clear browser history. Call person responsible for “Saturday 9 P.M. to ? A.M.” Express love and gratitude.

Sleep.

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