In addition to being a medium for breaking news, comedic banter and strange, misspelled insights into whatever’s on the president’s mind, Twitter is also a cesspool.
Long a haven for trolls, creepers and anonymous character assassins of all kinds, Twitter provides an excellent platform for users to directly interact with celebrities in whatever manner they see fit. In some cases, those interactions are wholly appropriate. Other times, they’re really, really not. This phenomenon is never more evident than when a female celebrity celebrates a birthday, like Jennifer Lopez is doing today.
Unsurprisingly, suitors from all over the Twitterverse are stopping by to well-wish. Here is a selection of some of the most nauseating:
Is there any chance that I can think less dirty in my mind after seeing this pic? #jlo— Not Real (@trolling555) July 24, 2017
notice me queen— Ivan (@eevahn) July 24, 2017
Sickest bod in town seriously perfect— RosannaMaria (@RosannaMaria84) July 24, 2017
Happy birthday, mama! Have a great day with your beautiful family. I want you to know that next month will be my birthday on the 19th :)— ty jlo/pls justin (@JBSwag_6) July 24, 2017
Seriously. You can't find a normal guy??? A fraud??? Seriously this is the guy you've chosen???— Peter Shapiro (@PetershapiroP) July 24, 2017
i think the cake is MAYBE 99th on the list of where my attention is right now...haha. #lookinsexy— Leo Von Magus (@LeoVonMagus) July 24, 2017
@JLo it hurts so bad to know that you're gonna have sex with Alex soon. I know it. Why me? I'm so sad... 3 years.— Tristan (@T_Spreutels) July 16, 2017
Happy birthday @JLo— Griffo (@iGryff) July 24, 2017
Is your butt still insured?
If it wasn't at all clear, the 10 messages above constitute a brief guide to How Not to Tell Your Celebrity Crush Happy Birthday on Twitter.
In fact, we would recommend from abstaining from that activity in toto.