Facebook was supposed to be the great unifier.
A place to keep in touch. A place to well wish. A virtual water cooler around which you, me and everyone we know would gather.
But 12 years later, it’s become something altogether more sinister: a place for us to b*tch, moan, show off and squabble, less a water cooler than a pyre upon which the world burns.
So today, let us lampoon the people who ruined Facebook — or at least 89 of the worst of them — from grammar Nazis to Crossfitters, 9/11 truthers to your racist uncle.
(Disclaimer: You’re probably on this list. Everyone at InsideHook certainly is.)
89. People who post sunsets
88. … or airplane clouds
87. People who brag about their fantasy teams
86. “As someone who doesn’t own a TV …”
85. Anyone who plays Farmville. And no, we do not want to join you.
84. ppl who abbvE8 every sngl wrd
83. “Hey FB. Due to an overwhelming existential crisis, I will have my phone off for the majority of the next few days. Can’t say where I’ll be when I reach the other side. Literally, metaphorically or otherwise.”
82. Anyone who uses #sorrynotsorry or #winning
81. People who still use LOL
80. People who misattribute quotes
79. Anyone who just started making soap or candles
78. Writers who solicit their best material via Facebook (“Hey, we’re doing a story on 50 worst people who post on Facebook … got any ideas?”)
77. People who post their obviously staged “surprise” engagement photos
76. Anyone who calls you out for not answering their text message (“I know you’re on your phone!”)
75. “I wish I could Like this 100 times.”
74. The person who you meet in passing, looks you up and writes you
73. The person hawking supplements and/or essential oils
72. The acquaintance you met very briefly who is now way too engaged with your content for how little you know each other
71. Outspoken vegans and gluten-free acolytes
70. Anyone who posts more than twice a day
69. People who still click “Like” when you post bad news
68. Writers who want to let you know they’ll be reading in Fargo in March … just in case
67. Person who just joined an improv group, performing Tuesday at 11:30
66. Truthers
65. One-uppers
64. Your mom when she thinks she’s sending you a direct message
63. “I unliked this so I could like it again”
62. People who post “inspirational” quotes. Keep it on Pinterest where it belongs.
61. People who throw in something religious when you post bad news
60. People who throw in something conspicuously non-religious when you post bad news
59. People who link their Twitter/Instagram/etc. to their Facebook
58. Anyone who uses the hashtag #wishyouwerehere. Liar.
57. People who just had surgery and now want to share some photos of that surgery
56. People who post that they’re safe after a terror attack … who don’t live remotely near the city under said attack
55. “This is everything.”
54. People who comment on articles without actually reading them
53. People who ask time-sensitive questions and expect answers
52. Game of Thrones spoilers
51. “What a time to be alive”
50. People who will turn anything into a pity party for themselves (Me: “Off to Hawaii. Laterz.” He: “I wish we could all go in vacation and pretend our government isn’t a flaming cesspool!”)
49. Your friend with a silver spoon who recently quit his/her job to travel the world and doesn’t understand why everyone doesn’t live like that
48. Extreme meditation and/or health and wellness folks
47. People who tag you in weird old photos
46. Anyone who willingly defines their relationship as “It’s complicated”
45. People who repost those completely useless privacy claims
44. People who invite every person they know to come to their show even though it’s across the country and we haven’t talked in 10 years and why are you still in a band?
43. That guy who comments “Where was my invite?” when you post a photo with the crew
42. “This is SO true.”
41. Wedding hashtaggers
40. Anyone trying to get their mack on in the replies to a post
39. People who mistake “your” and “you’re”
38. The people who correct the people who mistake “your” and “you’re”
37. Anyone who “marries” their friend or is “in a relationship with” their dog
36. Any post that begins with “I never do this but …”
35. Selfie takers
34. People who have to let you know what song they’re listening to at every hour of the day
33. Trump/Hillary supporters
32. Gary Johnson supporters (really?)
31. People who post viral videos four years late
30. Airport checker-inners
29. Anyone who uses more than three hashtags per post
28. People who use your wall as a self-promotional space
27. People who map their runs
26. Relative who posts huge news before calling you about it
25. People who Like their own posts
24. “Please like and share”
23. People who check in at the gym
22. People who check in anywhere, really
21. People who bitch about people bitching
20. “If you read this just repost — that way I will know who my friends are.”
19. “Feeling annoyed …”
18. People who make accusations about unnamed parties
17. Anyone who suddenly has a Masters in Constitutional Law whenever the Supreme Court is deciding something
16. Any poster who obviously forgot the #humblebrag or #firstworldproblems tag
15. People who post vaguely worded cries for help
14. Crossfitters
13. People who post to tell you they’re quitting Facebook. Just do it.
12. Your racist uncle
11. Your pervy uncle
10. Yelpers
9. People who create events and then don’t show up
8. People who tag you and 70 people in their post (probably for their GoFundMe campaign)
7. 9/11 conspiracy theorists on 9/11. Or any other time.
6. Couples who fight publicly
5. People who leverage tragedies, attacks and disasters for fake internet points, attention or affirmation
4. Milo Yiannopoulos
3. Your friend who used to be cool and funny whose new girlfriend/boyfriend has turned them into a soft pile of mushy, formerly-cool-and-funny human-like substance
2. We get it, you have a f*cking dog/baby
1. Anyone sympathetic to ISIS
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