For the Love of God, Don't Buy These Gifts for Your Valentine

Something about a golden AK47 chair doesn't scream romance

By Kirk Miller

 
V Day
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06 February 2017

Let’s make this simple.

For Valentine’s Day, we've given you the best ideas.

Now, the worst.

Donald Trump Love Card
“Let’s make love great again.” Sad!

Marry Me on a Megabus
Get married on a bus and get free honeymoon transportation (which is also a bus). Bonus (perhaps the only one): Free Wi-Fi.

Gold-Plated AK47 Chair
She likes art. She likes gold. In your mind, she sits on a throne. What’s not to love?

Hitler’s Personal Wartime Telephone From the Furherbunker
It is red.

A Screening of Girlfriend’s Day
“The Bill Shakespeare of romance cards” (Bob Odenkirk) is divorced and likes to watch bum fights. Then there’s a murder and “a paper cut on the peehole.” Netflix and chill when this debuts on Feb. 14.

Weed Bouquet
The most forgettable *cough* V-Day gift of all time. Counterpoint: The best gift ever?

Personalized Axe
A throwing axe/window breaker with his name on it. So the cops know who they’re looking for.

Membership to Planet Fitness
Never give a gym membership. And seriously never give a $10 gym membership. (Editor's note: Half our staff uses and likes Planet Fitness. Just saying it's a terrible romantic gift.)

Name a Bronx Zoo Madagascar Hissing Cockroach
Add in chocolates or a plush cockroach for a few bucks more.

Tour New York’s Largest Wastewater Treatment Plant
“Workers at the plant have even dubbed the huge barges filled with human waste that leave the plant several times each day ‘love boats.’ "

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