How would four shallow, acerbic New Yorkers act in the days following the attacks of 9/11?
Pretty much the same, it turns out.
Comedian Billy Domineau, a New York sketch comic and a former freelance writer for SNL’s Weekend Update, just uploaded a spec script for Seinfeld that takes place just days after September 11, 2001.
As Domineau wrote on Facebook, "I've written a Seinfeld spec script. It's called The Twin Towers. Yep. It's a 9/11 episode. This is what I do with my time now. Please join me on this journey deep into the subconscious of the multi-cam sitcom."
He later told Sean McCarthy of The Comic’s Comic that he “was helping someone write a sketch a few months back and told them theirs needed to be an exercise in bad taste, ‘Like imagine if there was a 9/11 episode of Seinfeld… Wait a minute.”
Seinfeld went off the air in 1998, thankfully sparing us the following:
- After a cold open with Jerry at the mic complaining about Heaven’s waiting rooms (“It’s gotta be like the DMV on a Friday”), the script cuts to George standing among the FDNY and NYPD a week after the attacks. “So, an INTERESTING week...horrible, horrible. And yet, it must be just a bit exciting.”
- Later, at Monk’s, Elaine shrugs off her boyfriend’s death in the Twin Towers (“Brian? Meh. I was gonna break up with him anyway...saved me an awkward dinner.”), Kramer discusses “my crazy friend Mo Atta” and how he loaned him a box-cutter, and Jerry complains about the “dust” in this sandwich.
- George gets confused for a Ground Zero recovery worker.
- Kramer has an anthrax scare.
If anything, the script proves that our favorite terrible people would remain, well, unfazed by world events.
You can read the entire script here.