Happy Shark Week!
It’s time to celebrate, for the 27th year in a row, our national obsession with the apex predator of the fathoms.
In preparation, we looked about and realized we're surrounded by sharks — in the water, sure, but also on TV (Sharknado), at the movies (Finding Nemo) and by actual, real-life humans (Mark Cuban).
And because we’re given to argument, we decided to compare all sharks, literal and figurative, in this bracket:
Nobody asked us to do this, nobody probably wants us to do this, so we said let’s do this.
In the field of sixteen, you’ll find:
Movie sharks (Jaws, those things in Deep Blue Sea)
People sharks (Fast Eddie Felson, Cuban)
Even cartoon sharks (a certain wiseacre called Jabberjaw)
Now. Perhaps you’re wondering: “How does one compare Jabberjaw to, say, Bobby Baccalieri? What’s the criteria here?”
Good question. Luckily for you, there’s clearly no logical answer; the world does not exist where a cartoon fish and a fictional loan shark can meet and settle their differences cage-match-style.
And, there’s one obvious and unavoidable issue here: how can Jaws possibly lose? Jaws, after all, single fin-edly created the national blockbuster. He is the ur-terror, the hydra of the deep. Kill one and several sequels take its place.
We argued about that one for a while.
Now it’s your turn.