A decade ago this weekend, America’s faith in the ability of its delegates to accurately represent their opinions was shaken for good.
We are talking, of course, about the delegates appointed to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, which named Crash — a heavy-handed and entirely forgettable depiction of race relations in contemporary Los Angeles — the Best Picture at the 2006 Oscars.
To celebrate the 10th anniversary of that transgression, we have decided to take things into our own hands this year. To wit: The InsideHook Alternative Oscars.
1. Name We Desperately Hope John Travolta Is Forced to Pronounce Onstage: Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn
2. Movie a Non-Moviegoer Could Be Forgiven for Assuming Was a Sequel to Furious 7: The Hateful 8
3. The Performances Leonardo DiCaprio Is Actually Being Awarded for When He Wins Best Actor: Catch Me If You Can, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, The Aviator, The Wolf of Wall Street and The Basketball Diaries
4. Best Trailer for California 10 Years from Now: Mad Max: Fury Road
5. Most Misleading Movie Title for Pastry Enthusiasts: The Danish Girl
6. Most Misleading Movie Title for Christian Rock Enthusiasts: Creed
7. Film Most Likely to Share a Name with a Member of Your Mother’s Thursday Bridge Club: Tie, Carol and Joy
8. Best (Worst? Only?) Movie About the Cold War Made by Two Guys Who Have Been Making War Movies Together Since What Feels Like the Cold War: Bridge of Spies
9. Worst Movie to Watch While on a Plane Headed to Mexico: Sicario
10. Best Fear Factor Application Video: Leonardo DiCaprio eating raw buffalo liver in The Revenant
11. The “I See Your Raw Buffalo Liver and Raise You Martian Poo Potatoes” Award for One-Upsmanship: Matt Damon, The Martian
12. Most Painless Set Design: Room
13. Best Movie for Replacing One Word to Make a Naughty Title: Steve Jobs
14. Movies That Don’t Need Any Word-Replacing to Make a Naughty Title: Get Hard, The Longest Ride, Man Up, Inside Out, Where to Invade Next, The Intern and The Vatican Tapes
15. Most Ridiculous Collection of Haircuts This Side of a Republican Presidential Debate: The cast of The Big Short
16. Best Exposure of a Very Real and Actionable Problem That Will Have No Effect on the Eradication of Said Problem: Concussion
17. Movie That Used to Be Cool, but Has Honestly Gone Downhill Quite a Bit Whether Most Who Have Lived There Seen It and Originally Loved It Are Willing to Admit It or Not: Brooklyn
18. Best Portrayal of an Apple Executive: Michael Fassbender as Steve Jobs, Steve Jobs
19. Second Best Portrayal of an Apple Executive: Corey Hawkins as Dr. Dre, Straight Outta Compton
20. Most Playful Pet: Bear, The Revenant
21. Best Name for an Airbnb Listing We Could Come Up with by Combining the Names of Oscar-Nominated Films: The Big Short Brooklyn Room
22. Movie That Did a Wicked Good Job Letting Johnny Depp Reuse the Pissah Boston Accent He Did in Blow, Kid: Black Mass
23. Newest Inductee into the Pacino/DeNiro/Cage School of Aging Actors Who Will Star in Literally Anything: Johnny Depp, Mortdecai, Black Mass and the Hollywood Vampires
24. The Film That Should Be Earning Plaudits for Being Both a Groundbreaking Piece of Cinema as Well as an Intelligent Discourse on the Plight of Transgender People: Tangerine, which was shot entirely on iPhone
25. Movie Least Likely to Be Shown in Sunday School: Spotlight
26. Closest Thing to a Luke Skywalker Sighting: Leonardo DiCaprio turning a horse into a sleeping bag, Taun Taun-style, in The Revenant
27. Most Unexpected Adaptation of a Seminal Late ’90s Alt Rock Song: Pixar doing Eve 6’s “Inside Out“
28. Best Performance by a Beard: Tie, Leonardo DiCaprio’s in The Revenant, and the male leads in Carol
29. Most Effective Abstinence Campaign: It Follows
30. Most Likely to Fill the “He Deserves a Best Actor win!” Shoes Soon to Be Vacated by DiCaprio: Matt Damon
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