“Spend it all in one place.”
Probably not the advice your grandpa used to dispense after discreetly sliding you a $20.
But it’s the advice we’re giving you today, as a prelude to How to Blow Your Bonus, our annual ode to conspicuous consumption.
Some of the objects you’ll find inside are practical (custom Land Rover Defenders). Some of them, less so (a flying jet ski).
And some even double as actual, real, reliable investments (hello, limited-edition Rolex).
FIREBOX FACE LICKER ($56)
A lickable, life-size lollipop version of you. Get a few dozen and pass ‘em out to the squad.
MIKOL MARBLE PLAYING CARDS SET ($775)
The world’s first deck of cards made of actual, hand-sanded marble stone, but still lightweight and no bigger than a credit card. Shuffling may require some labor, however.
FOUR SEASONS HELI-SKI SAFARIS ($1,500 per night)
The in-house ski concierge and ski valet can help set up your helicopter adventures at France’s Four Seasons Hotel Megève, located directly on the Mont d’Arbois ski slopes. Get bored of the slopes, or miss the mid-April cutoff? Try some icefall climbing, aka “the subtle art of ascending frozen waterfalls.”
SAMSUNG QLEDs ($3,800)
Besides great picture quality (like a billion color shades), Samsung’s new screens offer a lot of smart home tech (voice control, integration with other smart appliances and a news/weather information display when the TV is in passive mode) and a single, 45-foot slim cord for power and data. But the selling point is Ambient Mode, which means your screen mimics the wall behind the TV in order to blend in, chameleon-style, with your living room surroundings.
MCINTOSH MT2 PRECISION TURNTABLE ($4,000)
Polished and tempered steel (along with brass and a bit of ambient light) adorn this vinyl player, an “entry level” model from the hi-fi wizards at McIntosh that nonetheless will absorb shocks and give you flawless, noise-free playback of that old Phil Collins No Jacket Required 12”.
BEST MADE THE FIELD CHEST ($5,500)
Store your nice things in something much, much nicer. Inspired by a chest owned by inventor/adventurer Robert Edison Fulton, this handsome, American Cherry-built storage unit features hand-fitted joinery, brass knobs, 12 drawers, a book cubby, secret compartments and a custom-made clock in the interior.
A toilet that streams Spotify and warms your feet (and seat) as you go. Plus: Bluetooth hookup, auto-flush, hands-free lid opening (you’ll never get yelled at again!), nightlight and adjustable water temp, all controlled by a handy touchscreen pad and Alexa/Siri integration.
ZAPATA FLYRIDE ($6,000)
A red and black jet ski-inspired hydrofoil joyride. The Flyride uses traditional jet-ski controls, only the handlebars can also move up or down (and the machine with it). There’s a massive tube sticking out of the rear to facilitate water-jet technology and, best of all, a button for on-demand barrel rolls.
ROLEX GMT-MASTER II OYSTERSTEEL ($9,000+)
Read the time in two different time zones in this reimagining of an iconic timepiece that debuted in 1955, available in classic “Pepsi” and “Rootbeer” designs. Think four or five figures is too much for a watch? Rolexes are a fantastic investment.
The lightest and most aerodynamic pop-up truck camper ever, now available (in extremely limited quantities) for preorder. These tiny homes on wheels should fit in most garages, set up/break down in mere seconds and still offer plenty of space for sleeping ... all while weighing less than 100 pounds, if you choose the pricier carbon fiber model.
A shipping container bar. Design gurus Honomobo will take an old shipping container and turn it into a 100-square-foot mobile bar with all the fixings, and then ship it anywhere in North America ... so by the lake house, next to the cabin or wherever thirsty friends go.
POP CULTURE AUCTIONS (Up to $30,000)
What’s your geeky pleasure? Is it Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber? Maximus’ body armor from Gladiator? A, um, wooden stool from Don Draper’s apartment? Bidding starts now-ish.
DUKE D110 BY ARKONIK ($150,000+)
Four words: Custom Land Rover Defenders. More words: arrives complete with a luxurious Exmoor Trim interior, KAHN alloy wheels and embellished with overland equipment. You can also track the entire build process (handmade in England) from concept to completion with a dedicated online portal.
ARTS OF ANATOMY DRUNKEN SKULL ($307,350)
What’s the most expensive thing on Etsy? This German artwork, a “drunken happy skull thing” that the artist promises, if sold, will inspire him to burn his brush and paint his next picture with his armpit.
MERCEDES-BENZ G550 BRABUS 4x4 SQUARED ($318,000)
Take the sheer luxury SUV-perfection of the Mercedes-Benz G550. Then have Brabus, the German aftermarket customizing wizards, add safari gear, upgrade everything under the hood and throw in a Harman Kardon sound system.
ANICHI RESORT & SPA ($320,000)
Dominica, a sleepy island/tax haven in the Lesser Antilles, is offering one gigantic perk for the slated-for-2019 opening of the eco-chic resort: a timeshare here will also earn you citizenship ... for less of a headache than it takes to update your license photo.
THE MACALLAN 60-YEAR-OLD ($760,000)
Two vintage whiskies, The Macallan Peter Blake 1926 60-Year-Old and The Macallan Valerio Adami 1926 60-Year-Old, go up for auction in May, featuring labels designed by iconic pop artists Peter Blake (of Sgt. Pepper’s album cover fame) and Valerio Adami. Only 24 bottles total were ever crafted.
KAABOO DREAM PASS ($500,000)
If Fyre Festival had actually succeeded, this is what you’d get: a weekend-long, one-percenter fest of top-level bands, great chefs and a side of comedy and art, all along the beaches of the Cayman Islands. Having successfully pulled off a prior fest, you can (maybe?) trust the reported half-million dollar VIP pass, which includes round-trip transportation, a yacht, staffed villa, private viewing area, priority meet-and-greets and unlimited food and drink (and, if that questionably written article is to believed, somehow an alive Tom Petty).
BANKSY ART (TBD)
A rat stencil by the mysterious artist recently appeared on a clock on a soon-to-be-demolished building in NYC. The owner took it down and plans to auction it off ... and, gentrification and greedy building owner aside, it could be worth throwing down a cool seven figures.
GTT 115 ($16,000,000)
Coined as the “Gran Turismo for the seas,” Porsche’s first luxury superyacht is 105 feet of cruiser inspired by the Porsche 911 that’ll take to the open waters at 21 knots for over 3,400 nautical miles.