Long-term relationships are the ideal, right?
But what you’re gaining in trust, support and stability you might be losing in, well, spontaneous lustful interludes.
To regain that first-months bedroom passion, we asked 12 real, live, sex-having women — including several practicing relationship experts and counselors — a simple question:
What's one thing guys can do to help rekindle the flame when things get stale in the bedroom?
Turns out you’ve got some work to do. But that work? It’s fun.
Mental health counselor and addictions professional
“It starts way before the bedroom. Pay attention to her, give her a sexy compliment (somewhere in the R-XXX range), flirt, touch her in a way she likes (foot rub, shoulder rub, kisses on the neck, playing with her hair, booty squeeze) and do what you can to show her she’s wanted. Tell her about the time together you think was the best, and describe to her what was so hot about it. Then put her needs first (even if it means sacrificing your own in the short-term!). I also encourage people to try to incorporate memories from the beginning of the relationship — recreate a date you went on early on, or a favorite pastime.”
“Touch! It sounds funny to say touch when we are talking about sex, but so many people continue to have routine mechanical sex and forget to explore each other's bodies. The goal seems to be penetration and orgasm, but we forget to seduce and turn each other on more slowly before we work our way up to more physical sexual acts. Touch is a way to increase intimacy but also to remind someone that you are into them and still attracted to them, that it's not just about sex but sex with you.”
“My fiancé and I have a goal of having sex at least once every day. We found that by regularly having sex we've come to crave each other more and it lessens the likelihood we go through a dry spell. But sometimes having sex the same way, the same time, every day loses its appeal. I love when my fiancé takes the time to romance me and not just immediately try to take my pants off. Sometimes he'll massage my feet or my shoulders, other times he'll put on some music in the kitchen and we'll dance and sing for hours. Those are the nights where an increase in passion is definitely noticed in the bedroom.”
“Slow things down. When we are in long-term relationship, we tend to forget to kiss. Kissing releases oxytocin, which is the chemical that makes us feel in love and also adrenaline that makes us feel excited. Spend around 20 minutes just kissing and it is bound to rekindle that spark.”
Head Matchmaker and COO of The Vida Consultancy NYC
“Sexting is a surefire way to create sexual tension. Injecting some excitement at a completely unexpected moment is a fantastic way to reinvigorate your sex life and let her know you remember exactly why you fell in love with her in the first place. Get her hot under the collar and struggling to concentrate in her weekly staff meeting. A vividly explicit description of exactly what you’re going to do to her can be just as hot as something more subtle and understated — a sly tease about a surprise waiting for her later that night.”
Representative at House Method
“We conducted a survey about where couples have sex outside the bedroom. We found that those who have sex outside the bedroom are 10.5% more likely to report satisfaction in their relationships. We also found that those who have sex outside the bedroom are 33% more satisfied with their sex lives than those who have sex only in the bedroom.”
Dating Expert and Founder of Samantha’s Table Matchmaking
“Choose a different bedroom. Sometimes having sex in the same bed night after night, year after year gets really dull. A simple little change like doing it in another room of the house, on the floor or even on the kitchen table can definitely spice things up. Also, be romantic along with being sexual. Remember how in the beginning, when the two of you were first dating, you would put on music, painstakingly choosing romantic ‘fool around’ music, light candles, use massage oil, dim the lights etc.? Go back to that. Recreate the beginning and spend time bringing romance back into your bedroom.”
Relationship coach and expert
“Create the space for a re-invigorated relationship. For example, most people feel they experience the best parts of their relationship in the beginning stages, better known as the honeymoon phase. Lust is at its all-time high, things feel spontaneous and people are willing to be more bold and live in the excitement. Recreate that playing field. Have fun with a little role-playing. For example, meet at a bar separately and pretend as if you’re meeting for the first time. See if you can get them to come home with you. Maybe even change up the location and have some fun in the car, in a parking lot or get a room. Get outside of the habitual practice that has become safe and boring and start getting into places of fun and excitement.”
Dr. Caroline Madden
Author and marriage therapist
“The best thing a man can do if he wants to gain spark in the bedroom is to ... not try. In a long-term relationship, especially one with kids, a guy is looking to see that his wife still desires him. My professional advice is to tell yourself that you aren’t going to have sex for a month. Instead, in that month, do the things you used to do in the beginning of the relationship, or the things she has asked you over and over again. A wife notices a pattern when her husband is nice and does nice things for her … and that means that he wants sex. Women start to feel manipulated by that and purposely refuse sex. A man needs to do these things on a consistent basis without a hidden agenda. This makes a woman feel “seen” by her husband and not that he is [just] horny.”
“I’ve been living with my boyfriend for three years now. We used to go at it like rabbits, but then things slowed down to about once a week. Not nearly enough for me. So I got Sriracha yoga pants, the ones with the hidden opening in the crotch. They drive him crazy, knowing that when I wear them I want it. So I wear them a lot.”
Dr. Alisha Powell
PhD, LCSW and therapist
“Do thoughtful things outside of the bedroom. Cook her favorite meal, offer a back rub or surprise her with a gift card to her favorite spa. Initiate foreplay too without any expectation of intimacy. Just touch and explore and let them make the first move to take up the heat. Write a cute little note or send a random text message telling your partner how much you love them and how sexy they are. Follow this up to with a description of how you plan to show them that you meant what you said.”
Professional image consultant and editor of SheSpark.com
“Surprise your lady with sexy lingerie — not just for a birthday or anniversary, but as an unexpected gift. If you aren’t sure how she’ll receive it, send a photo/link by email and say ‘Babe, I thought you’d look hot in this. What do you think? Is there something else on the site you like better?’ This gives the opportunity to show what you like and then find out what she likes. Buy the one she likes first (or both) in her size. Tell her a dinner at X restaurant and romantic nightcap come with the purchase. She’ll feel sexy and desired, which means happy endings for everyone!”