Food & Drink | June 16, 2021 12:51 pm

Hot Dogs Should Be Phallic

Round hot dog patties designed to be eaten like burgers have taken over the internet. But what is a hot dog if not phallic?

hot dogs on blue background
Hot dogs should look like dicks. End of debate.
Ball Park Brand / Unsplash

We may never know definitively if a hot dog is a sandwich, but apparently a hot dog can be a burger. Flat hot dog burgers took over the internet this week after Food & Wine editor Maria Yagoda tweeted a photo of the patties from Rastelli’s, which the brand calls “round hot dogs.”

But wait, one might ask, aren’t hot dogs already round? I, admittedly not a geometry expert, would say so. But unlike these weird patties, which I guess are technically round but in a flat way, traditional hot dogs are round in a cylindrical way. This means they are also phallic, as god and nature intended.

There are many arguments to be made both for and against these new hot dog burger patties. According to the creator of this new hot dog shape, the big selling point is more surface area, which allows for more even grilling distribution, as well as more room for condiments.

I, on the other hand, might argue that more surface area is not something I’ve ever desired of a hot dog, because I prefer not to have much direct access to the hot dog’s innards. I don’t want to see how the hot dog is made, nor do I want to see the end result of that process splayed out and staring up at me in the form of a patty. I don’t mean to body shame, but I prefer that my hot dogs keep their insides neatly contained within a slick cylindrical casing so I don’t really have to see or think about them.

Another potential benefit, which, surprisingly, the marketing team behind Rastelli’s latest release has neglected to mention, is that the consumer of a hot dog patty is spared one of the more embarrassing parts of eating a hot dog: the fact that you look like you’re putting a dick in your mouth. For this reason, an attractive woman eating a hot dog has become a common trope. I don’t think any man has ever actually been aroused watching a woman eat a hot dog, but it’s widely recognized as sexy, if largely tongue-in-cheek. This can make it annoying to be a woman who just wants to enjoy a hot dog in the company of male friends without being asked “what that mouth do,” but it is also, sometimes, part of the fun.

Moreover, eating phallic food is humbling for straight men, who could stand to be humbled in such a manner every now and then. Real men aren’t afraid to eat food shaped like a dick. So if you’d prefer to nibble daintily at your little hot dog patty, go right ahead, but the rest of us will be fellating some Ball Park franks this summer, as it should be.