Tomorrow, the Chicago River goes green.
And if you for one shake believe the bro-tastic, craic-hunting revelers will be on their best behavior, you don’t know a fake Irishman.
They will clothe themselves in cheap novelty things. Fill their flagons with Jameson. Get blotto before 9 a.m. Sing along to Flogging Molly. And then they will descend.
This is a guide to avoid being one of those: 17 Pieces of Unsolicited Advice to the Young Men of Chicago on St. Patrick’s Day.
Our advice to you: stay indoors, fix yourself a drink and read on.
- We have three St. Patrick’s Day parades: only two are worth visiting, and it’s not the one Downtown.
- It’s not “St. Patty’s Day,” it’s “St. Paddy’s Day,” with two Ds. Patty is short for Patricia. Paddy is Patrick, and he of the sainthood.
- A man does not drink warm beer polluted with green dye. Instead, he sips on Goose Island’s Green Line beer and calls it even.
- Don’t call a real Irishman “Bro.”
- Not even leprechauns look good dressed like leprechauns.
- Soda bread before beer, you’re in the clear. Corned beef and cabbage before liquor, never been sicker.
- Get familiar with the lyrics to “Danny Boy.” You will sing it once, most likely in an all-male choral sing-along.
- Today is not the day to critique your bartender’s Guinness pour, or tell everyone about your home-brewing hobby.
- A “Kiss me, I’m Irish” T-shirt is not an invitation.
- Don’t wear nice shoes. Because that’s not green beer on the floor.
- When in doubt, go home and take a nap. Then stay there.
- If you are given a necklace with a shot glass attached, unfriend the person who gave it to you.
- If the number of Irish Car Bombs you can drink impresses those immediately around you, reconsider your drinking circle.
- Party trolley parked outside? Think twice.
- If the person sitting next to you on the train is not wearing a wacky hat, beads or anything that remotely resembles green, leave them alone and for the love of God, do not pinch them.
- Pay for her cab, Lyft or Uber home.
- Stay indoors. Read Ulysses. Live with zero regrets.
Photo: PAUL FAITH/AFP/Getty Images