December 14, 2021 11:47 am

The Perfect Gift for Anyone in Your Life Who Poops

Spoiler alert: this is literally every single person in your life

This holiday season, it's time to embrace the most universal of human experiences
This holiday season, it's time to embrace the most universal of human experiences

Nota bene: If you buy through the links in this article, we may earn a small share of the profits.

Everyone poops. This is a fact. A fact that we all don’t really like to talk about openly, but ultimately so irrefutable that it became the title of a very popular book that has sold millions of copies all over the world.

So yeah, we all poop. You, me, your dear old nana, Scarlett Johannson, Beyoncé, the Dalai Lama. And thus the Tushy bidet system is an excellent gift for literally anyone in your life, because, in short, it makes the pooping experience — again, arguably the most universal human experience there is — a helluva lot more pleasurable.

From an installation standpoint, the Tushy is gloriously uncomplicated. I’ve now hooked up three of them personally (as stated in our Staff Picks gift guide, it is my mission to equip every toilet I encounter with a Tushy, like some sort of Johnny Appleseed for DTC bidets) and can state with confidence that a half-blind, drunk chimpanzee could do it in the dark. Water gets turned off, toilet seat comes off, Tushy goes on, toilet seat goes back on, water gets connected to Tushy, water gets turned back on. No electricity, no plumbing — we’re talking less than ten minutes with naught but a screwdriver and a modicum of intelligence required to get the job done.

Tushy bidet system installation

As for the experience of actually using the Tushy? Without going too far into the realm of TMI, I can also say with no equivocation whatsoever that it is vastly superior to what we’ve all, for some inexplicable reason, accepted as the traditional pooping methodology. Let me put it to you this way: if you were to, for some reason that we’re not going to get into here, get poop on your hands, would you just … wipe it off with paper and call it a day? If your answer to that question is anything other than a resounding “NO,” I’d ask that you kindly stop reading this article and make an appointment to go get your fucking head examined. 

So why then, should your faithful b-hole be any different? That bad boy is doing yeoman’s work down there — does it not deserve at least an approximation of the cleanliness protocols you’d observe on any other part of your body? Put some respect on your b-hole’s name! I assure you that once you do, you (or anyone you gift a Tushy to) will feel like the prisoner freed from Plato’s Cave, blinking into the sun, rocked with the realization that your previous pooping reality was merely an illusion and ready to achieve a higher plane of conscious existence. 

Yeah, it’s that dope.

Plus it’s super affordable, saves you money on toilet paper, saves the environment, comes in a bunch of fun colors, and every purchase helps to fund the build-out of clean toilets for the urban and rural poor. It’s frankly an embarrassment of wins, and if you’re not convinced by now I don’t know what to tell you. Stay in the cave, I guess. Enjoy that flickering imagery on the wall.