This is how you handle LAX

The Onion has been crafting some stories lately that feel almost too true to be fake.

Exhibit A: “Frontier Airlines Tells Customers to Just F*cking Deal with It.”

Air travel in 2017 is bordering on an indignity, and nowhere is that more evident than the horror show that is LAX.

But we’ve got 11 tips and tricks that’ll make it a little more bearable — beyond the obvious (get TSA’s pre-check, for starters).

Some will cost you a pretty penny, but others could actually save you some dough.

If you have the means …
Join The Private Suite, the new luxury terminal where members can check in without stepping foot in the terminal. Memberships are $7,500 and you’ll have to pay a fee every time you use it. But you get a breezy TSA line, your own luxury suite with gourmet food, massages and a BMW escort to your plane for when it’s time to board.

If you’re okay with giving up your biometrics …
CLEAR uses your fingerprint to grant you access to the TSA’s pre-check line. You don’t show your ID or ticket. You just walk right through after pressing your digit on the screen. Then it’s two minutes through security. Two. Minutes. It’s in all terminals as of now and costs $179, but your credit card may offer deals.

If you fly Delta to JFK or Reagan International, you can eat Jon and Vinny’s …
The dynamic duo behind Animal, Son of a Gun and Jon and Vinny’s has designed in-flight menus for Delta flights to two busy airports — JFK and Reagan International. So that’s nice.

If you prefer to drive to LAX and park, you could be making some money …
First off, you need to be okay with a stranger driving your car around town. That’s what Travel Car does. You park your car for free in their lot and they split the money they make letting folks drive it while you’re gone. The renter pays for gas and Travel Car covers insurance. If they don’t use your car while you’re away, you still get to park for free.

If you don’t want to hear screaming babies and obnoxious people …
Or need a translator … buy a pair of Bragi Dash. These wireless earbuds provide noise cancellation and the ability to accept and reject calls with simple gestures. They can also translate 40-some-odd languages.

If you have a delay and want to dip into a lounge …
Be sure you have an Amex Platinum Card. This will get you into the Air Canada Maple Leaf Lounge in Terminal 2, the Alaska Lounge in Terminal 3 and the Virgin Lounge in Terminal 6 (due to the merger), as well as the Korean Airlines Lounge in Tom Bradley International.

If you have a really bad delay that could massively hamper your trip …
Download Freebird. You pay a $19-34 fee and the app lets you rebook any available flight on any airline for no additional costs. Frequent flyer miles still count. Here’s how it works.

If you’re really screwed and just want to leave the airport for some grub …
Go to In-N-Out for some tasty burgers by using the Parking Spot shuttle. This shuttle drops you next to the famed burger location on Sepulveda. Another option is Del Rey Deli Co, which makes one of the best pastrami sandwiches in L.A., and their cold sandwiches travel well, too. You’ll need to Uber.

If you want to enjoy some adult beverages …
Catch an Uber or Lyft to Cinco on Manchester. This gastropub serves some mean al pastor and barbacoa and they have cervezas and margs. The Proud Bird is reopening under the helm of Bludsos and will be a food bazaar offering a wide variety of L.A.-centric foods and serious cocktails.

If you want avoid waiting for an Uber or Lyft when you arrive …
Nothing is more testing after a long day of travel than watching the blue dot that signifies your Uber make its way to you in that soul-crushing LAX traffic. So hop on the first hotel shuttle you see. Once on board, sign into Uber or Lyft and drop a pin at the location where the shuttle you’re on is headed. This will save you the headache of waiting for your car to slowly make its way to you. Rather, you’ll save time making your way to it.

And if you’re just like, f*ck it, I’m over LAX …
Book your flight out of Long Beach or Burbank or better yet, become a member of Surf Air, which now flies private to Vegas as well as Europe with flights to Ibiza, London and Cannes aboard a Phenom 300.