Real Men Get Pedicures!

Because someone, somewhere has to look at those dogs

By Danny Agnew

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27 October 2016

The male aversion to the pedicure has always baffled me. I know guys who own three different types of eye cream who still look at me like I’ve just suggested we go get dual vasectomies when the subject comes up.

No more, fellas. It’s time to embrace the care of our collective dogs (our pack?) like any other part of a discerning bloke’s grooming routine, and to also admit (against our phenotypic predisposition as men) that sometimes there are certain jobs best left to the professionals.

Herewith, six reasons why you should go get a pedicure. Like, today.

One: Your Feet Are (Probably) a Hideous Abomination Unto Mankind
I can count the number of guys I know who take actual care of their feet on about three toes. And even for those who do (I’ll count myself among this number), it’s usually just kind of a cursory once-over. And spoiler alert: feet take some serious abuse. Think of it this way: if you were rammed into a cramped, dark, dank cave and forced to hold roughly 200 lbs. over your head for 12 hours a day, how do you think you’d look?

Two: Someone, Somewhere Has to Look at Them
Even if you eschew sandals (which you should), there are going to be some scenarios (the beach, the pool, around the house) when others are forced to view your feet. Don’t traumatize these people with hideous buzzard talons. It’s emotionally scarring and they’ll forever associate you with the image that has been seared, Clockwork-Orange-like, onto their psyche. Not a good look for you, fam.

Three: Pedicures Are Really, Really, Pleasant
You sit in a comfy chair, often one with some Shiatsu action. Your barking dogs are submerged in soothing warm water. A gentle, quiet technician dutifully massages, clips, buffs and polishes until your hooves are presentable. You do exactly … nothing. What’s not to like here?

Four: They’ve Seen It All, Man
Human shoe trees in such a state of disrepair that you’re embarrassed to unsheath them even to the trained pros? Calm your nerves. These people are battle-hardened veterans. No matter how bad you may think yours are, they’ve seen (and rehabilitated!) worse.

Five: The “Me Time” Factor
As a man ages, opportunities for 40 minutes of uninterrupted silence to read a book/answer email/do your expenses/bask in a serenity you scarcely remember since having children become rarer and rarer. Grab ‘em while you can.

Six: You Are Not That Macho Anyway
Did you pause in the middle of chopping down a tree or wrestling a large carnivorous animal to read this article? Do you have a family of sparrows nesting in your voluminous chest hair? Do your luggage tags read “Bunyon, P.”? No? Great, then get over yourself and go make your feet nice, tough guy.

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