Here’s the thing about New Year’s Eve: pretty much everyone is used to being disappointed.
And they can hardly be blamed: there's a lot of hype for a typically low reward (a forgettable midnight kiss, waking up with a headache and the taste of barroom floor in your mouth).
But you, sir: You have the power to change all that.
With a little bit of planning and minimal effort, you can be the man about whom they say on the first day of 2017, “Man, that sly sumbitch really made it the best New Year’s Eve ever.”
All you need to do is follow the below commandments. Any one of them can change your NYE for the better. And in combination? They'll earn you several well-deserved pats on the back.
Pull off all 18 and they may just build a statue in your honor.
1. If at all possible, thou shalt wear a tuxedo. Worried about being overdressed? Don’t. People will assume you’ve either just come from or are en route to a better party. Besides, NYE is the perfect (and one of the very few) opportunities to rock one of those real flashy, fashion-forward tuxes that would look patently ridiculous in most other circumstances.
2. Thou shalt get a haircut on December 29th. Two-days-in hair is the best hair and everyone knows it.
3. Thou shalt come prepared with at least one good joke.
4. Thou shalt also come prepared with at least one good toast.
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5. Thou shalt arrive at the party with a healthy glow and a manly redolence. Pro tip: flaky skin doesn’t pair well with a dark suit. And between Old Man Winter and too many drinks over the holidays, you run the risk of being dried out like a towel on a rack come the 31st. Enter NIVEA Men Maximum Hydration 3-in-1 Body Wash, an all-in-one formula with Aloe Vera that cleans, refreshes and hydrates. Smells nice, too.
6. Thou shalt volunteer early to be the official Keeper of Time, citing (erroneously or not) a watch that syncs to Greenwich Mean Time via satellite. Nothing worse than mixed-up countdowns, and partygoers will be thankful to know who to look to when the hour draws nigh.
7. Thou shalt prepare one emergency playlist to be deployed in the event of musical doldrums. This playlist should be made public (we recommend using Spotify, which makes this easy) so that other partygoers can add to it without jumping the queue.
8. Thou shalt not wear any wacky glasses that spell out 2017. Just ... no.
9. To the best of thy abilities, thou shalt not overdo it. Or, at the very least, thou shalt know when it is time to go home.
11. If thou seest a fellow partygoer overdoing it, thou shalt intervene with a glass of water and words of encouragement. If that horse has already vacated the barn, thou shalt have an Uber at the ready.
12. Thou shalt show up to the party with the following: one solid bottle of red, one respectable bottle of Champagne and one small bottle of unique hooch people will buzz over. If said hooch is in a sweet hip flask, even better.
13. Thou shalt also come with a “surprise and delight” element to take the party up a notch. Sky lanterns to be launched post-countdown? Excellent. Actual fireworks to be launched (safely) post-countdown? Even better. A karaoke machine to begin 2017 as it was meant to be, with the dulcet strains of “Uptown Funk”? Now you’re really cooking with petrol.
14. Thou shalt thank the host by being an ubermensch and handing them a gift certificate for a cleaning service as you exit the party.
15. Thou shalt carry a lighter (preferably a really cool looking lighter) for cigarettes, candles and the aforementioned paper lanterns/fireworks.
16. Thou shalt also carry gum and mints.
17. Thou shalt arrange for a large food delivery around 12:30. Pizza, sliders, whatever — anything easily consumable by a large group of intoxicated revelers.
18. When the clock strikes twelve, thou shalt declare a moratorium on “2016 was the worst year ever” talk and insist that all guests look to the future with clear eyes and full hearts or some such inspirational-type sh*t.
For the rest of our year-end content ...